The 4 Parts of Self Esteem & How To Harness Them

The value you place on yourself will determine the way others value you. This shows up for us at times when we ask ourselves, “Why was I passed up for that promotion?” Or, “Why can’t I find a good man/woman to have a relationship with?”

We tend to blame the external circumstance as the reason we aren’t, “where we wanna be,” but the truth of the matter is that our value in the marketplace (job, relationship, friendship) is dependent on our internal circumstance.

There was a time in my life when:

• I always felt disrespected
• I always wondered “why me?”
• I always fell short of the promotion
• I always felt dismissed

What I discovered was that even though I appeared confident, my own self-esteem was trash; therefore, I didn’t attract what I really desired into my life.

Confidence is only 1 of the 4 parts that encompass self-esteem and determines our own value. I was missing the other 3. Self-esteem is a collective coming together of:

• Confidence
• Competence
• Identity
• Belonging

Each one of these feeds off the other one, creating a cycle of self-esteem that makes us feel more valued or less valued.

And of course what we believe about ourselves internally will attract what we receive externally. BUT — it’s easier if everyone else around us would change, so that we don’t have to. This mindset puts us into victim mode.

Victim mode is when we blame everyone else for where we currently are in life. Victim mode sounds like this:

• “If something bad is going to happen it’s going to happen to me.”
• “I guess it’s just gonna be one of those days.”
• “You get what you give.”
• “I would’ve gotten ____ if someone else would’ve have done their part.”

Instead let’s talk about changing the interior so we attract the exterior. Im going to break down each of the above 4 aspects of self-esteem and discuss tangible ways to improve each one, increase our own self value and as a consequence, increase the value others see in us.

Confidence

Confidence is the feeling or belief that one can rely on someone or something. Newsflash — that “someone” is yourself and that “something” you’re looking for is a feeling of security in your ability to get your needs met.

Confidence does not come from someone else. No one can give us confidence. There are people that can reassure us and that confirmation leads to building confidence, but at the end of the day we are responsible for growing our own self confidence.

If you want to grow your confidence you should:

• Be kind to yourself. They way we talk to ourself is way more important than we realize. Replace thoughts of, “I am a mess.” To, “I made a mess.” Learn from the mess and go at it again with the mindset that you can and will do better.
• Stop comparing yourself to others, where they are, and why you aren’t further along at this point in your life.
• Remember that nobody is perfect. Everyone makes mistakes. Your mistakes are not more significant than anyone else’s. We all have fallen short at multiple times in our lives.
• Celebrate the small stuff. Too many times we’re looking for the home run or the hole in one and when we don’t get it, we immediately start with the self deprecation talk. Celebrate the littlest step, it will help keep you motivated.

Confidence also relies heavily on competence. The more you know, the more confident you are to take action or speak about it.

Competence

Competence is the ability to do something successfully or efficiently.

To feel competent, we need to have different experiences, succeed AND fail, in order to learn new things. When you’re successful, that results in a feeling of efficacy and pride that promotes self-esteem and pushes the person to accept new challenges. When you fail, motivation takes over because you still have determination to reach a goal.

Thomas Edison, when asked about inventing the lightbulb said, “I didn’t fail 1000 times. I simply found 1000 ways to not do it.”

This is important because failure is often times the best source of education. Be brave enough to suck at something for awhile. The result will be an increase in competence and an increase in confidence because you will have tried it enough times to know what to do and what not to do. Think, riding a bicycle.

As your confidence and competence loop grow, you develop as a person and your will see a shift in your identity. This is of utmost importance because you will start to see yourself as someone who “can” versus someone who “can’t.” The best part — you get to choose to create the next best level of yourself and begin to identify as that person.

Identity

This is the knowledge we have about ourselves. By experimenting, learning, and getting feedback from the people around us, we come to identify our characteristics, abilities, needs, and feelings.

Identity can be divided into multiple parts:

• physical - your actual body and presence (energy)
• social - how you come into contact with other people and groups I belong to
• your economic situation
• your place as a student, worker, entrepreneur, professional, etc
• how you act with your significant other

The biggest determining factor of your identity will be what values and beliefs you choose to establish for yourself.

Values and beliefs are the largest part of our identity because they serve as a filter for each decision we make. Essentially values are what we will and won’t stand for. A value is an emotional state we believe to be important. We either want to experience more of a certain positive emotional value or avoid the painful ones. Sigmund Freud was correct on that one. A belief is the rule you place on the value. Many people have conflicting interests when it comes to their values and beliefs.

For example: You may VALUE the feeling of freedom that having more money brings you; however, you don’t want to take action on starting the business you’ve always dreamed of because you BELIEVE you will fail. Great value - bad belief system. But could this be solved by improving your confidence-competence loop? (rhetorical)

Or you value love, but keep inviting bad partners into your life, which suggest your belief system or rules you apply to love continue to attract the wrong people into your life.

If you want to close the gap between the person you are now and the person you desire to be, you best take a look at your value and belief systems. Changing the internal you, will have a profound effect on your external circumstances — not the other way around.

Try asking yourself these questions:

• What do you value in a romantic partner?
• What do you bring to the table (business or personal relationship) that might be desireable to others?
• What do you value about your physical health?
• What do you value in your work setting?
• What kind of friend do you desire to be? To have?
• What value do you place on money? Is that healthy?

Starting here and really going deep on these questions can lead you to understanding what values you have that are serving you and which ones aren’t. Once you know this, its time to find people that will support them, hold you accountable to them, and who share them.

Belonging

We all belong to several groups: family, friends, school, sports team, professional, etc. The various groups we belong to allow us to feel understood and know that there are people who are like us. At times we even define our identity by belonging to these groups, by the relationships we have with other people and the experiences we share with these people. Think about it - how many times are we impressed with someone who belongs to elite group?

BUT — in order to have true connections and real belonging we must be part of groups, work environments and personal relationships that share our value systems. When the values don’t align, there will be no longevity of the relationship and therefore potential restlessness and unhappiness.

The most successful people in the world say, “No,” a hell of a lot more than they say, “Yes.” Why? Because they have decided what their values are and every decision they make is based on protecting those values. The more clear we are on your values the more likely we are to attract those in alignment with them., which ultimately creates a greater sense of belonging.

As far as businesses go, you can find out what they stand for by simply looking at their vision and mission statements. Vision and mission statements of a good company (or even of your own) will show you the values of that business. Do you align with them? If not, move on to the next.

If you have your own business be sure you are in congruence with the values you have as a person and with the values you portray as a business. If this is lacking, so will your connection to the business. After all, you wouldn’t hire, work for/with, or take on any client with poor ethics and values right? Hmm.

Let’s look at a romantic example. Do you and your partner align on your values? You value connection (value) with your partner through quality time (love language) but you keep dating people who are workaholics and you never get to spend time with them. When you do get a sliver of time with them, they’re always working and not really present. Great value - poor alignment.

When we are not living all aspects our lives in congruence with our values, we feel a sense of disconnection and like we don’t “belong” anywhere. Find people with shared values and you will find belonging, thus adding to your sense of Self-Esteem.

Conclusion

A coming together of these 4 aspects of self-development will create a profound change in our self-esteem and therefore our value. The more we development these the more we are able to give to others, show up as our most powerful selves, be the go to person and ultimately increase the value others see in us.

Which of these 4 are you the most developed? Which are you lacking? How will you change that?

Here are some ways you can go about it:

• Reading. I read 2-3 books a month on topics like business development, personal development, relationship development, and spiritual development. This is a great step into opening up your mind to new thoughts.
• Coaches and mentors. I can’t say enough about being around people who encourage our growth and hold us accountable to it. I have had the opportunity to be coached by amazing men and women and learn from those whom have gone where I want to go. We are the sum of the 5 people we spend the most time with. Choose those people wisely because they can either stunt or propel your growth.
• Courses. If you have a desire to learn something new, take an online course or go to a seminar. We live in a day and age where this information is readily available. Go learn about relationships, business, religion, real estate, etc.
• Spend money on education. We tend to spend money on “things.” We will update our wardrobes, our cars, and our kitchens, but we will hold onto thoughts and mindsets that were handed down to us back in 1992. Quit that shit. You are your most valuable asset, not what you have or the car you drive. Put together a monthly budget that allows for your own growth.

Cheers to new found self-esteem!